The Tale of Two Douche Bags: My Little Bastard
by SillyGooseProductions
Summary: What happens when two unwilling d-bags are sent to the peaceful world of My Little Pony? Read on and see what happens as they try to escape from their nightmare and even reluctantly make some friends along the way! Lies and insults! Hurt butts! Blood and guts! Awkward, unwanted romance! The world you know and (probably) love will cease to exist! Created By: ME & SKPfan
1. Chapter 1

**The Tale of Two Douche Bags: My Little Bastard**

_Hey there guys! I know you guys must be grabbing your shotguns and swords right now since I haven't uploaded anything for, what, a billion years? I KNOW, I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT I'VE BEEN SUPER BUSY. Several misfortunes happened to the chapter of the other story, and I've had to rewrite it several times. I also don't want to rush it since I want it to be good, even if it's just a little fanfic story. BUT, until then, this other author and I are writing this story on the side. We're both working on it, meaning he'll pressure me more on uploading it too. So, sorry if you guys are unhappy with me writing another story, but I promise the other chapter to the story is coming! Please be patient. (P.S., the author's name I'm working with is sonickirbypokemonfan. Kind of a weird name, but whatever.) Hope you enjoy this little collaboration story._

Lax began stirring in his sleep as a cold breeze tickled his face. The last thing he remembered….. Hell, now that he thought about it, he couldn't remember what he did before this...

"WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK!?" He shouted when he opened his eyes, finding the ground several feet below him. He gripped tree branch he lied on for dear life. As he waited for his breath and heartbeat to slow down, he started noticing black fur covering his arms; in fact, there was nothing _but_ black fur. "GAH!" Nearly scaring himself off the branch, Lax hugged onto the branch tightly again, taking a closer look at his arms.

Sharp claws that he had used to cling to the branch had replaced his nails; jet black fur had replaced his skin. Removing one hand from the branch, he touched his face and felt more fur covering him. He also found that his mouth had been replaced by some sort of animal muzzle. His Mohawk was still present, however, and he desperately combed it to calm himself down. Not only had his physical appearance changed but he also felt far shorter , and just looking at himself proved it .

Lax glanced around the forest surrounding him, finding nothing but leaves and branches. After looking down, he noticed a large meerkat with a black, curly afro leaning against the tree trunk. He finally decided that he might as well try getting some help from the animal, "Uh, hello?!" He shouted down to it.

"What the-" The meerkat darted away from the tree as if he was asleep and was suddenly shaken awake. "Oh shit!" The meerkat tripped backwards after noticing Lax in the tree and began trying to crawl away.

"Hey, wait! I need some help!"

The meerkat froze with a confused expression on its face as it stared at Lax, "Lax? Is that you?"

"Yeah," Lax recognized the voice, "Etc?"

"What the hell happened to you, dude?" Etc stood up and dusted himself off, "You're a freaking wolf!"

"Dude, have you looked at yourself? You're a damn meerkat!" Etc's face froze in concern as he began touching his face with his furred hands. After a little while of feeling his arms, however, his expression turned into that of excitement. "Oh shit, dude! I'm a freaking furry!" He looked at his legs and noticed his shoes still covering his feet, "Well, not completely furry, anyways."

Lax slapped his face as his friend laughed excitedly below him, "Yeah, that's awesome, whatever," Lax sighed, "Do you know where we are?"

"Uh," Etc's face grew concerned yet again, "No, actually, I don't."

"Wonderful."

Etc stressfully combed back his hair, "Can you see anything from up there?"

"No, but I can try getting up higher up on the tree," cautiously using his claws as hooks, Lax climbed up the tree until he could see over the rest of the trees. He was about to say that he didn't see any buildings when he spotted the top of a red barn towards the moon. A thought struck his head but left soon after. "There's some sort of barn off to the east. I can't really see it too well, but there's nothing else I can see from here."

"Well," Etc sighed slightly, "let's get moving then and get some help."

"Yeah, just let me get down-" Lax's foot slipped off a branch, causing him to fall to a lower branch, hitting his stomach. Sliding off the branch, Lax fell to the ground backwards and landed on an exposed root, injuring his back.

"LAX!" His friend ran over to him, "Are you-"

Lax held up a finger to shush his friend, "..."

"Lax?"

"Just….. Give me a second, please." Lax groaned for a few minutes before attempting to bend his back. Aside from being in immense pain, Lax didn't feel like he broke anything on the way down. "Help me up." Etc nodded as he grabbed his friend's hand and lifted him off the ground. Lax dusted himself off.

"Ready?"

Lax looked towards the moon "Yeah, it's this way." The two of them trudged on through the dense forest.

The two of them didn't talk to each other for a little while, both of them deep in thought about their situation.

"Hey Lax," Etc finally spoke out.

"What?"

"Do you think I'm faster now?"

Lax stopped walking and stared at his friend, "Dude, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I mean, meerkats are pretty fast. So does that mean I'm fast too?"

"How is that supposed to change anything?"

"Because," Etc looked ahead, seeing a clear running path, "I'm sort of meerkat now. Maybe I've got their ability, or something."

Lax shook his head but gestured for his friend to try. Taking a runner's stance, Etc burst off. Lax already noticed how far ahead he had gotten in the few seconds he ran.

"Etc!" Lax called to his friend who was now yards away. "Alright, I got the idea! Get back over here!" Etc tried to stop running but slid a few feet before completely stopping. He ran back to Lax and flipped him off with both middle fingers jokingly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lax said as he waved his friend off, "Let's get going already."

"Wait, what about you? You should probably have some sort of ability or something now."

"Honestly, the only thing I really care about right now is getting some help. I'll find out about that stuff later." Etc shrugged as Lax walked on. Along the way, Lax was focused on the one thought that kept pestering the back of his brain. The more he thought about his strange human-wolf body, the more concerned he became about where they were.

He would try to snap himself out of the thought, _"No, that's dumb. It's a stupid, make-believe kid's show anyways._" However, the thought would remain over him like a dark cloud of impending doom.

Only a few minutes seemed to pass by, but soon enough, Lax and Etc managed to get to the red barn. The thought that had been shoved to the back of Lax's brain abruptly resurfaced. He became more and more concerned the longer he stared at the familiar red barn.

The barn was awfully dark , as the sun was only beginning to rise, but the two looked around the barn anyway."Hey, look, there's someone over there," Etc said as he noticed a person sitting in a rocking chair next to the wall of the barn. The person was too far away for them to see completely but the two could tell she was there. "Let's ask her for help."

"Yeah," Lax replied reluctantly. His brain kept telling him something was off about this person. He didn't know exactly what, though, so he shrugged it off as a dumb feeling and followed his friend.

"Excuse me," Etc said to the person sitting down. He waited for a reply, but all that was heard was snoring. "Hello?"

"Dude, I think she's asleep." Lax walked closer to the woman sitting down and listened for a little bit. All he heard was more snoring. "Hold on, let me try to wake her up," as he walked closer , he noticed something , she wasn't wearing any clothes and she didn't have any hands or feet , he took her hat off just for a second and already realized what she was , "No, no it's not possible!"

"What?!" Etc stared at Lax who was holding his head in his palms, "What's wrong with her?!"

"She's a damn pony!"

"What the hell are you-" Suddenly, Etc also began thinking the same thought as Lax. Etc slowly and cautiously lifted the hat carefully as if it would change anything. He saw the pale green fur that covered her face and immediately dropped the hat. Slowly walking to the the barn wall, Etc began softly hitting his head against the wall. "We're in My Little Pony aren't we ?."

"Damn it…" Lax said as he sat down and combed his mohawk in a vain attempt at calming himself down

" Uggh , why not Sonic or Kirby or even Pokemon but my god damned little pony? "

"How is it even possible? Like what the hell!? How the hell did we get here?!"

"I can't remember shit, dude."

"I mean, this can't be for real, right?"

"We're here, standing at this red barn as weird short furry guys. There's an old, green pony sleeping over there: I'd say it's pretty obvious!"

Lax looked down at his shoes before getting up, "I'm still going to wake her up. Maybe she'll help us somehow."

"By doing what- rambling on about apples?"

Lax just shrugged and walked up to her. He lifted off the hat and took a deep breath before tapping her shoulder. Suddenly, she awoke and smacked her lips a couple of times, "What in tarnation- Who are you?" She said in a smooth, Texan accent.

"Hi, I'm Lax and that's my friend, Etc," he pointed to his friend that was still banging his head against the wall. "I'm sorry to disturb your sleep, but we're sort of lost-"

"Yeah, lost…" Etc mumbled from behind Lax.

"Anyways, we're sort of lost and we were wondering if you could help us. Ms-"

"You can call me Granny Smith!" The old mare looked at Lax and smiled, "And you're at Sweet Apple Acres!" The old pony declared, waving an arm at the woods and then to the barn, "We grow all the apples for Ponyville!" Etc and Lax both groaned loudly as their nightmares were confirmed, "Something wrong, sonny?"

"Well, sort of; we're not exactly-"

"Who in heck are you two!?" A louder, younger sounding western voice boomed from behind Lax and Etc. They had both guessed who it was before even turning around.

"This just keeps getting worse, man," Lax said to Etc who was groaning with mental pain.

Applejack, with her hooves in a battle position and a mean frown on her lips glared at the two, "I ain't gonna ask again: who are you two?!"


	2. Chapter 2

**The Tale of Two Douche Bags: My Little Bastard**

**Hey it's skpfan here coauthor of this story. You may be wondering why sillygooseproductions is not here. Well he's currently writing his other story, so I've decided to write this chapter instead. And for anyone coming from my account, don't worry the next chapter of switch and kirby's random adventures should be uploaded by the end of the month. I'm just glad I sent that goose to the Bahamas or was it Barbados? Oh well. Anyway neither me or sillygooseproductions own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the Hasbro empire does. Enjoy the chapter.**

The two friends looked at the pony wondering what to say, neither of them really wanting to speak.

Lax sighed and whispered to his friend, "Your turn."

"Fine," Etc whispered back in annoyance. Applejack stood there glaring at them both getting angrier by the second.

"Well, uh," Etc began, "We're, uh- we're not from this place and are kind of lost and, uh-" stuttered Etc whose brain was hurting trying to converse with the pony.

Lax stepped into the one-sided conversation, "What my friend here was trying to say before he started stuttering is that we're lost. We come from a far away place, and we were trying to get some help."

"Huh," Applejack's glare weakened in power until it became a suspicious stare, "okay..."

Lax went on, "We were also hoping that we could talk to your friend Twilight Sparkle." His friend's face widened with shock. Not wanting to meet anymore ponies, Etc gave Lax a look of questioning panic. Lax, however, ignored him.

"Twilight? How do you two know Twilight?" Applejack asked.

"Well, it's a bit of a long story." Lax nervously combed back his hair.

Applejack looked at the two suspicious strangers for a moment, trying to decide whether they were harmless friends or not. "Well, I guess you two must be alright if y'all know Twilight. I'll go get her, but I'll leave my brother McIntosh to watch over you two."

After calling her brother over, Applejack left to Ponyville. Lax and Etc slowly drifted off to the barn wall and sat against it. Granny Smith had drifted back to sleep, leaving McIntosh alone with the two. A few moments of awkward silence hung in the air around the three of them

"Hey, uh, Big McIntosh, can you bring a stool for me?" asked Lax.

"Eeyup," replied McIntosh as he walked off to find one.

"So, My Little Pony…." Etc sighed in disbelief after McIntosh was out of earshot.

Lax groaned, feeling mentally defeated, "Ah shit…"

"Well it could be worse."

"How is that?"

"We could be in Cupcakes."

"Ugh," Lax shivered as he remembered that sadistic fanfic, "I don't think you should even mention that." McIntosh finally came back with the stool. Lax thanked him and sat on it, resting his head in his hands. As minutes passed while Etc leaned against the wall, he had thought of something, "Dude do you remember how in the world we got here?"

"I still don't remember anything."

"Hmmm," Etc stressed his mind, trying to squeeze out any sort of helpful information, "Well, I remember tripping over something, then all of a sudden, there was some kind of bright flash." Etc tried harder to remember but still failed. "Well, whatever it is , it's no good."

"No, really?" Before Etc could answer back, the two of them starting hearing frighteningly familiar voices.

"I thought she was only going to get Twilight!"

"I guess she wanted her friends to come with her as well."

Etc noticed the group of ponies that were walking towards them. His brain almost imploded, "You've got to be kidding me."

"Oh, great. That's just amazing." Lax said sarcastically. The Mane six stopped far enough from Etc and Lax that they wouldn't be heard by them. They all looked with curiosity at the two.

"Well Twilight, these are the two I was talking about," Applejack pointed at the two.

"No, I've never seen them before. In fact, I don't think I've actually seen their species before aside from reading about them."

"Is that so?!"Applejack's eyes glared at the two with more fury than before. "So, they were lyin'!"

"Applejack, please calm down," Twilight held Applejack back as she tried pushing towards Lax and Etc, "I'm sure they don't mean any harm."

"Maybe they're spies from the Everfree Forest!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she flew in the air.

"Rainbow Dash! Why would the Everfree Forest even have spies?"

"I don't know, because it's evil."

"Maybe they're aliens from another planet who want to eat our brains for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!" Pinkie suddenly shouted out.

Twilight shook her head slightly in disbelief, "Maybe we should let them explain themselves before we jump to conclusions. Remember what happened with Zecora?" She looked at everyone as she talked then finally turned to Etx and Lax, "Let me go try to talk to them. Okay?" Before anyone could protest, Twilight walked over to Etc and Lax who were both standing up."So," she finally said after getting close enough to speak with them, "who exactly are you two, and why do you know me?"

The two friends looked at each other trying to see who would try to explain things. "We're from another universe," Lax began explaining, "from a planet called Earth."

"We have no idea how we got here, or why we're here in the first place."

"We don't want to cause any harm or trouble here, and would really like to leave as soon as possible. We both know you since…. Well, I think that should wait for a better time."

The ponies, having snuck behind Twilight to overhear the conversation, stayed silent for a few moments with their jaws wide open. "SEE! I TOLD YOU THEY WERE ALIENS!" Pinkie finally cried out.

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe this!" Rarity tried to regain her composure but remained visually distressed.

Rainbow Dash hovered lower to the ground, "Wow, this is way worse than spies."

Fluttershy just remained silent.

Twilight managed to quiet the other girls before speaking, "Another universe? Another planet? What do you mean?"

"We mean exactly that. We aren't even supposed to be these," Lax held up his fur-covered arms, "weird, short anthropomorphic things. We're supposed to be humans."

"Humans? Where have I heard of that?" Twilight began thinking of a book she read that described several prophecies and past events that took place in Equestria, "Another… World… SPIKE!" She abruptly turned to her assistant that remained silent the entire time, "Spike go get every book we have that talk about prophecies and the history of Equestria!" Twilight Sparkle grabbed Spike by his shoulders as a nervous feeling crept over her.

"Uh, Twilight, that's a whole lot of books-"

"Just get them! It's important!"

"Alright, jeez! I'm going!" As Spike ran off, Twilight saw the other ponies looking at the two with worried expressions.

"Twilight, dear," Rarity spoke up, a touch of panic was at the back of her words, "What exactly do you know about them?"

Twilight's eyebrows furrowed as she thought hard, "I'm not completely sure, but I think I have a feeling that I've heard something about beings from another dimension of some sort."

Etc and Lax stared at the Mane Six the whole time as they began drifting back out of earshot, all freaking out in their own strange way: Pinkie couldn't stop jumping around, her eyes constantly darting left and right as if she was worried something was going to jump out at her. Rainbow's wings just sort of twitched as she paced around on the ground. Rarity was probably the funniest to look at since she kept trying to fix her hair when she was actually making it worse. Fluttershy remained quiet the whole time, occasionally glancing towards Lax and Etc but always looking away when they noticed her. Applejack, however, never took her eyes of Lax. She was like an eagle catching sight of a mouse, burning holes through his body with her glare.

"Dude, why does Applejack keep staring at me?" Lax finally asked his friend.

Etc looked at her, who was still staring at Lax, "I don't know, maybe she must remember you from your fanfi-"

"Alright, dude, don't make this any worse by reminding me about that. Okay?"

"I'm just saying. You and her really…. Connected, if you know what I mean."

"We didn't even kiss! Besides, why would she know any of that? It was just a story!"

Applejack looked down to the ground and shook her head. After a little while, she began walking towards Lax and Etc, "Dude, she's coming over here."

"Oh shit, what's she going to do now?" Applejack stopped right in front of where Lax and Etc stood leaning against the barn wall. The rest of her friends also noticed this and began watching her.

Instead of kicking them or bashing in their skulls, she raised her hoove and extended it towards Lax, "My name's Applejack, nice to meet ya."

Lax stared at her for a second, wondering what was going through her mind. Finally, however, he took her hoove and shook it. "Hi, I'm Lax. Nice to meet you too."

Applejack, still shaking his hand, she smiled, "Excuse me and the girls for acting a bit frantic. We're just not used to strangers 'round these parts."

"Huh, well, it's fine. You all seem like nice peop- er, ponies… I guess."

Applejack stopped shaking his hand and moved on to Etc. "Nice to meet you too."

"Uh me too ,My name's Etc." Etc said while he tried to put on his best smile .Applejack stopped shaking his hand, tipped her hat, and then walked away. The rest of her friends seemed rather surprised at her friendliness to the two strangers. No one else went up, creating a rather uncomfortable silence between everyone. Finally, Twilight sighed, "Well, I guess I should go introduce myself as well," she said as she cleared her throat and started towards Etc and Lax.

"Twilight!" Spike's voice stopped her in her tracks. Turning around, she saw him running along with a wheelbarrow carrying a ton of books inside it, "I got the books that you asked for! I had to carry them in this wheelbarrow since there was so many."

Twilight glanced at the two friends leaning against the barn wall, sighed, and walked over to Spike, "Well, girls, this may take a while. I've got a lot of books to sort through, so make yourselves comfortable.

Everyone just stood near Twilight, either kicking the dirt or just humming a tune to pass the time faster. Suddenly, Pinkie's gaze shot up to Etc and Lax as she gasped loudly. She bounced up to the two friends and started shaking both of their hands at the same time. With superhuman strength out of nowhere, Pinkie lifted them both off the ground as she shook their hands with almost impossible speeds, "HI! The name's Pinkie Pie! Nice to meet you! And you!" She looked at both of them and stopped shaking their hands.

Etc and Lax, both confused and dizzy after being shaken like a salt shaker, tried their best to say hello back, "Hi, nIcE tO mEeT yoU PinkIE."

Pinkie began laughing, "You two are silly!" and bounced back to her friends, smiling gleefully the whole time. Once they managed to get the stars out of their vision, Etc and Lax stared at each other to ask themselves what just happened to them. They turned to Pinkie afterwards and saw her jumping around .

"Huh," they both finally said to one another after remembering that Pinkie was crazy.

Besides Twilight and Applejack, Pinkie's friends all looked amongst each to see who wanted to say hello next. Eventually, Rarity cleared her throat and gracefully walked towards Etc and Lax.

Stopping in front of Lax, she cleared her throat again and curtseyed slightly, "Hello, my name is Rarity."

"Nice to meet you," Lax slightly bowed his head, "In case you didn't hear, I'm Lax. My friend here is Etc."

"Yeah, hi."

"He doesn't look very happy, but he's glad to have met you as well."

Rarity glanced at Etc, seeing his "happy" face, but returned her gaze to Lax, "Well, it's a pleasure meeting you both. As Applejack said, I'm dearly sorry that my friends and I have been acting rather…. Unlady like."

"Well unfortunately, I'm sort of used to that reaction by now. But thanks for apologizing anyways." Lax grinned slightly.

Rarity returned a smile and walked back to her friends. "Well," she said, "they seem to be well mannered at least."

"Huh, well, I still don't trust them." Rainbow Dash crossed her arms.

Applejack shouted to her, "Rainbow Dash, go over and greet our guests!"

"What?! Why?"

"Because it's just common courtesy!"

"No way! Look how weird they are! Once has this black bush of hair on his head and the other just has a bunch of spikes going down the middle his head! Plus, not even Twilight has seen their kind before!"

"They're just different, like Zecora was!" Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at each other, "They're nice people, now go!"

"Alright! Fine! I'll go!" Rainbow Dash finally snapped as she slowly flew towards Etc and Lax.

They both noticed her, but Etc was anything but ecstatic to see her, "Oh no, not her. Please, not her."

"What, not happy to see Rainbow Dash, Etc? I thought you liked Sonic Rip-off."

"Egh," Etc said in disgust. Rainbow Dash finally stopped flying and landed in front of them.

"So, my friends all say that you two are alright." The three of them all looked at each other, "I guess I should introduce myself; I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all of Equestria!" She posed as if she was taking a picture, both hands on her hips and her gaze looking up.

"Huh, more like worst character ever," Etc muttered.

"What did you say?!" Rainbow Dash flipped her wings straight out and practically shoved her face against Etc's.

"I said that you're the worst character!"

"Say it again!" Rainbow started flying off the ground, "I dare you!"

"Alright, I guess you're deaf! I said that you're-"

"ANYWAYS, YOU TWO, hi I'm Lax! He's Etc. It's nice to meet you!" He tried smiling at her, but her gaze was fixed on Etc.

"Yeah," she finally said after glaring at Etc for a few moments, "whatever." After scoffing and flapping dust in their direction, Rainbow Dash flew back to her friends. They all stared at her with expressions of dismay. "What? I thought I was pretty cool with them." She said as she crossed her arms and looked the other way. "Well what about you Egghead? Aren't you going to say hi as well?"

"Yes, I would, but I'm close to finding the event and prophecy that I was talking about earlier. Someone else should go in the mean time."

Everyone turned to Fluttershy who was hiding behind her pink hair.

"Well, come on sugarcube, why don't you go say hello?"

"Oh, well, I don't really think I should."

"Well why not?"

She glanced over towards Etc and Lax, "They seem a bit scary."

Applejack put a reassuring hoove on her friend's shoulder, "Don't worry Fluttershy, they treated us just fine and they'll treat you the same way." She said, giving Fluttershy a pat on the shoulder and a slight push towards Etc and Lax.

At first, Fluttershy remained completely still as a statue. After looking back at her friends, however, she managed to take a baby step forwards. Then another baby step, then another, and then another.

After a few days or so, Fluttershy managed to reach Etc and Lax.

"Hi," Lax said after some silence, "I'm Lax, in case you didn't hear earlier." Lax raised a hand and slightly waved, smiling. He looked at Etc after, giving him a look that said, "_Say hello."_

Etc sighed with annoyance, turned to Fluttershy, and sighed again. "Hey, my name's Etc. It's very nice to meet you," he said as sarcastically as possible.

Fluttershy remained silent, however, and just stood glancing at Lax but then quickly looking away, instead looking at the ground. Several moments went by as she did this, no one caring to talk. Suddenly, almost scaring Lax to death, she stepped forward, brushed his hair with her hand for a split second, and speed-walked back to her friends.

Etc turned to Lax and opened his mouth, "Don't you dare say anything, Etc." Closing his mouth, Etc just snickered. Then, he started to laugh. "Okay, dude, it wasn't even that big of a deal!"

"She just fucking petted you! Not me, but you! Hahaha!"

Lax slapped his forehead with his hand and sighed. Etc was about to make fun of Lax more when Twilight suddenly walked up to them. Her expression made them guess that she had found what she was looking for but that it wasn't good.

"Okay, so, you two don't seem very threatening, but apparently, you two are going to bring the destruction of Equestria and everypony in it."

**And here comes the plot twists: will Lax and Etc get back home? Will the ponies trust them now? And will I stop asking questions? Find out these questions and more somewhere in this story. Goodnight everybody. **

**From skpfan**


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